Doing the Best I Can: Fatherhood in the Inner City Kathryn Edin and Timothy J. Nelson

Doing the Best I Can: Fatherhood in the Inner City

Kathryn Edin and Timothy J. Nelson

Last annotated on Monday October 16, 2017

135 Highlight(s) | 112 Note(s)

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Introduction
Note:INTRO@@@@@@@@

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impregnate women and selfishly flee,”
Note:L INVETTIVA DEI CONSERVATORI

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absent men, above all, who deserve our censure

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blithely eschewing the responsibilities of fatherhood.
Note:LA COLPA

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“There are a lot of men out there who need to stop acting like boys,
Note:BAMBINONI... IL SOTTOINTESO

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I PROBLEMI DEL BIMBO

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is it true that these fathers simply don’t care about the children they conceive?—
Note:LA DOMANDA CRUCIALE

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what does fatherhood mean in the lives of low-income, inner-city men?
Note:TRADUZIONE

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ONE One Thing Leads to Another
Note:1@@@@@@@@@@

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Amin Jenkins

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Amin is proud that he “never said I wasn’t responsible,
Note:ORGOGLIOSO DI ESSERE RESPONSABILE

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spending time with her and rubbing her stomach.”
Note:IL TIPO DI IMPEGNO

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cautiously optimistic about their future

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Eighteen months later, however, “the communication just stopped.”
Note:STOP

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pregnancy, and not a shared history, similar tastes, or common goals, is what typically galvanizes partnerships
Note:COSA DÀ LA SCOSSA... X UN ATTIMO

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“There wasn’t no child abuse back then!”
Note:AFFERMAZIONE ORGOGLIOSA

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His teachers ruled their classrooms with an iron hand, and he thrived within this structure.
Note:CON LA MANO DURA RIGA DRITTO ANCHE LUI

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They beat your butt. They didn’t spare the rod,” Byron says in an approving tone.
Note:RICORDA CON NOSTALGIA LA SCUOLA DURA E VIRILE

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the added temptations of city life.
Note:LA CITTÀ PEGGIORA LE COSE... PIÙ TENTAZIONI

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he dropped out of Bartram in twelfth grade and joined the marines.
Note:SENTE CHE DISCIPLINA LO SALVA

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Despite Byron’s initial attraction, he was “messing with” a number of other women
Note:NN SMETTE DI GUARDARE LE ALTRE

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putting in only enough hours to pay the bills and support the alcohol habit
Note:L USO DEL GRUZZOLO

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the clear memory hints that he imbues the event with some significance.
Note:SI RICORDA IL CONCEPIMENTO...NON SONO SCIAGURATI PERCHÈ SE NE FREGANO

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I always wanted to be a father,”

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Upon hearing the news that the woman they are “with” is expecting, men such as Byron are suddenly transformed.
Note:TRASFORMAZIONE

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EIGHT The New Package Deal
Note:8@@@@@@@@@

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can’t simply be cast in the role of the stereotypical Casanova who “hits”—
Note:NO CASANOVA

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There is little partner search involved—

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NO CACCIA NO SELEZIONE

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lack of sufficient desire to avoid pregnancy typically result in an unplanned conception.
Note:SUCCEDA QUEL CHE DEVE SUCCEDERE

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fatherhood is not merely a desired status but an eagerly embraced role.
Note:FELICE DELLA PATEENITÀ... NN È UNA QUESTIONE DI VIRILITÀ... CAMBIA STATUS NUOVE POSSIBILITÀ...SI ABBANDONA UNA VITA DI FALLIMENTI

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connect with a child—an unsullied version of oneself—
Note:BISOGNO DI PULIZIA

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use to neutralize the “negativity” that surrounds them

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Andre seems to think he’s a hero, not a villain.
Note:COME SI SENTONO

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they want to make a go

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a palpable mistrust of women,
Note:LA DONNA LO CAPISCE

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suddenly he is supposed to be the straight arrow nine-to-fiver that he never was, and he has to be accountable to her 24–7.
Note:TRAVOLTI DA TROPPE ASPETTATIVE NE RISENTONO DOPO LE PRIME DIFFICOLTÀ

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it becomes hard to make the necessary sacrifices

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it is the baby, and not her, whom he is really attached to.
Note:SE TA LORO NN FUNZIONA.... PRIMA O POI

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fathers we spoke with are deeply cynical about marriage, yet it is striking how many still aspire to it nonetheless.
Note:CINICI MA DESIDEROSI

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a “soul mate” as a marital partner.
Note:MOLTO ROMANTICI.... TROPPO

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Problem is, their baby’s mothers—
Note:TROPPO MATERIALISTA LEI X LUI

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high standards for marriage cast the real relationship in a profoundly unflattering light—
Note:I SOGNI BANALIZZANO IL REALE E CE LO FANNO ODIARE

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only a “crazy love” can produce this rock-solid, extravagant devotion.
Note:IL SOGNO DI UN AMORE FOLLE

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deep conviction that most women, at their core, are heartless mercenaries
Note:LA DONNA VISTA COME PUTTANA... PER LA LORO DUREZZA

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The old-fashioned “package deal”—where the adult relationship takes priority and men’s relationships with the children come second— has been flipped.
Note:IL MATRIMONIO SANO ROVESCIATO

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good fathers should “leave everything to the mother.”
Note:NESSUNO CREDE CHE

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But the definition of good provider is unexpectedly broad.
Note:VAGHEZZA

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a little something for her kids now and then.
Note:IL CONTRIBUTO

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doing the best I can . . . with what is left over”—

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serve as a role model
Note:IL COMPITO PRDINCIPALE DEL PADRE

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whose past is littered with rich illustrations of what he desperately hopes his kids won’t be like,
Note:MAI COME ME... IL PROPOSITO CHE PIÙ LI ANIMA

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Will offers up the past as a cautionary tale and prays that his kids will take heed of his negative example.
Note:STRATEGIA DELL ESEMPIO NEGATIVO

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an excess of blackberry brandy
Note:LA CAUSA DEL FALLIMENTO

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Ray has now clearly shrugged off any sense of responsibility for his older child.
Note:DOPO MILLE UMILIAZIONI C È UN MOMENTO IN CUI

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Substance abuse, criminal behavior, and a lack of financial wherewithal to even purchase a treat—ice cream,
Note:CAUSE DEL FALLIMENTO

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But the mother is also often implicated; she may choose to play the role of gatekeeper and prohibit the father from seeing his child, sometimes, but not always, for good reason.
Note:MA SPESSO È LA MAMMA CHE LI SCACCIA

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the child’s disposition is also important; how much trust is a child willing to extend to a father
Note:LA FIDUCIA DEL BIM BO

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Holloway Middleton, from Mantua, is crazy about six-year-old Christine
Note:CHI CE LA FA

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buy her ice cream or take her to the corner store for a treat.
Note:IL PROBLEMA.... POSSONO VEDERLI SOLO SE

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Christine’s mother, Katrina, has found a new man
Note:ALTRA DIFFICOLTÀ

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slinking around the corner in hopes of catching a glimpse of Christine, he observed the new guy treating his daughter to ice cream.
Note:L INNAMORATO

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his son, whom he credits as his “savior.”
Note:IL BARBONE CHE DORMIVA NELLO SCIVOLO

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7 percent of the fathers seem to have failed in the role due to sheer lack of interest.
Note:7%

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many find that it’s easier to start fresh than to persevere.
Note:RIPROVARCI ANZICHÈ IMSISTERE

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the glittering prospect of a clean slate with a new partner and child.

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manage to be intensively involved with at least one of their children
Note:CLAMOROSO: I PADRI SCIAGURATI NN SONO SCIAGURATI CON TUTTI

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what we call “serial fatherhood,”

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the title of “good father” one child at a time,

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THE MEANING OF FATHERHOOD
Note:ttttttttt

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fathers only rarely even speak to their children,
Note:UN TWMPO

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“a high degree of conjugal role segregation,”
Note:L ISOLAMENTO DEL PADRE DI UNA VOLTA

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“It is almost as if there is no direct tie between the father and the child,
Note:IL BUON PADRE DI UNA VOLTA

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Fathers in Liebow’s book almost never initiate contact with children

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in these environs see children as their chief source of meaning and identity, and other sources of esteem are in short supply.
Note:PER IL PADRE SCIAGURATO È DIVERSI

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“Friend” is a status almost no one can claim—there is simply too little trust to make such relationships work.
Note:VOGLIA DI AMICIZIA

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ties to organized religion are rare among our men.
Note:L RELIGIONE CHE LATITA

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One allure of fatherhood for men is that it is a biological fact that cannot be denied.
Note:ESISTO!!!!!!!

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offering the proverbial slap in the face when she reminds him that her mother’s boyfriend “does” for her more than Jeff has done.
Note:LO SCHIAFFO PIÙ UMILIANTE

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If I give you a million dollars or I give you a penny, I’m still your father.”
Note:RISPOSTA

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Andre often ache to play a positive social role. They long for a chance
Note:FINALMENTE UNA POSSIBILITÀ

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“I want to be a real father to my kids,”

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might someday achieve what Amin felt he could not. Having a child is a chance at redemption,
Note:MINI IO

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THE DEINSTITUTIONALIZATION OF FATHERHOOD
Note:tftttttttrrrrr

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Andrew Cherlin

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Those who remarried had to make up the rules as they went along,
Note:TEORIA CHERLIN: I RISPOSATI NN PIÙ CREDIBILI

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even first marriage was becoming deinstitutionalized

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Unwed fatherhood is the least institutionalized family role
Note:L APICE...DELLA NN CREDIBILITÀ

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Unwed fathers] never signed on to anything. . . . They never agreed to abide by any fatherhood code.
Note:MAI PRESO IMPEGNI...SCARSA CREDIBILITÀ

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put the marital relationship first, and then the kids.
Note:L ORDINE CORRETTO

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Divorces are costly to obtain
Note:AI BEI TEMPI

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social shame.
Note:COSTO

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What does he get in return for his voluntary admission that he is the father? Usually nothing but the booby prize: his name
Note:RICONOSCERE GENERA SOLO GRANE... EPPURE

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most assume that the unmarried mother is the primary custodian.
Note:NEMMENO LA CUSTODIA OTTIENE

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“I’m not just a paycheck! I’m a father!” he attempts to assert. “What have you done for us lately?”
Note:LA BATTAGLIA DEI SESSI... RUOLO VS MATERIALISMO

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A REDEFINITION OF FATHERHOOD
Note:tttttttttt

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Since the family itself was the basis of production, men’s work, like women’s, was “inside the home.”
Note:PRIMA FASE NELL EPOCA AGRICOLA.. SEMPRE TUTTI IN CASA...IL PAPI AVEVA UN RUOLO VOCAZIONALE

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In either case fathers in the industrial age were increasingly relegated to a single task—breadwinning.
Note:SECONDA FASE L UNICA FUNZIONE DEI PADRI...OGGO

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About the time that breadwinning became more difficult for men at the bottom, marriages began failing
Note:TERZA FASE... DIFFICILE ANCHE L ULTIMA FUNZIONE

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divorce rates were roughly twice as high for those without a college degree

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rate of nonmarital childbearing exploded.

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Consider the strong correlation between earnings and marriage rates.
Note:I SOLDI SONO TUTTO

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a decline in the adherence to core American values
Note:CONTA ANCHE LA CULTURA

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poor women have, in fact, embraced a set of astonishingly mainstream norms about marriage and the conditions under which it should occur—they revere it but hold it to an exceedingly high standard.
Note:CULTURA FEMMINILE DEL MATRIMONIO...ALTI STANDARD

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raised the bar on the level of assets and earning

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relationship quality
Note:QUALITÀ SEMPRE PIÙ ALTA. MURRAY: CALI DEI VALORI... EDIN: STANDARD FEMMINILI INNALZATO

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aren’t willing to marry until they’ve launched their careers,
Note:ESEMPIO NEI MEDIO ALTI

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“those at the bottom of the class ladder today believe that a wedding ought to be the icing on the cake of a working-class respectability already achieved.”
Note:IL MATRIMONIO A COSE SISTEMATE... ANCHE X CHI STA SOTTO

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The dramatic rise in their wives’ employment,
Note:CAUSA DEL CAMBIO DELLA PATERNITÀ NEI MEDIO RICCHI

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thrust into the nursery to master the diaper

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fatherhood’s “softer side” has not replaced the more traditional aspects
Note:NN UNA SOSTITUZIONE

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married women still do the large majority of the housework
Note:CAMBIATO POCO

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men at the bottom seem to have developed an unbelievably voracious desire to take on the ideals propagated
Note:POVERI: VOGLIA DI FARE I PADRI MODERNI... L UNICA FUNZIONE CHE RESTA LORO

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an alternative way to engage with their progeny.

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But for men at the bottom the tasks associated with the new father have replaced
Note:RIMPIAZZO NN AGGIUNTA

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Mothers are also usually the ones who set the good example.
Note:LA FONTE DELLA VIRTÙ

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is viewed as priceless and a treasure any man would naturally want to claim.
Note:IL TEMPO SPESO CON I PROPRI FIGLI...ANCHE X INSEGNARE A PISCIARE IN UN CESPUGLIO

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not hanging on the corner with peers—is the vital ingredient that adds zest to life.
Note:NN I PARI MA I FIGLI... VALRI DELLI SCIAGURATO

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visiting family is what fathers often want

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A good week is when I spend a lot of time with my family.”
Note:IL BENE

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assuming 100 percent of the financial responsibility—has been replaced by a “doing the best I can” ethos of financial provision.
Note:IL GRANDE CAMBIO DI PARADIGMA

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the loud proclamation: “I’m not just a paycheck!”—
Note:LA REAZIONE ALL IMPORSI DEL PADRE MODERNO

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These fathers now want roles more like conventional mothers’ roles. Meanwhile, mothers have been forced by sheer necessity to take on more of the traditional father’s tasks.
Note:IL PARADOSSO

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Disneyland Dad,

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reduces a father to a buddy while skipping the harder tasks

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a steady job, entry into the military, marriage, and parenthood.
Note:COSA EVITA IL CRIMINE X I CRIMINOLOGI

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romantic relationships seem to have little of this transforming power—

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actually eager to claim fatherhood
Note:I POVERI

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high rates of voluntary paternity admission
Note:LA PROVA

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more like those of a favorite uncle—
Note:IL RUOLO EFFETTIVO CHE FINISCONO X AVERE

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these men’s bold attempt to refashion fatherhood often fails because it is too bold and too out of synch with what mothers and the wider culture demand.
Note:IL FALLIMENTO

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the new-father ideology taken to its extreme.
Note:PARADOSSO

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Most children born to unwed parents still receive only a fraction of what is owed to them,
Note:IRRESPONSAB. FINANZIARIA

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uncertainty weakens men’s motivation to stave off having children until they are economically ready to provide for a child:
Note:L INCERTEZZA ECONOMICA FRENA IL MATRIMONIO MA NN LA VOGLIA DI FIGLI

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we must find a way to honor fathers’ attempts to build relationships with their children
Note:POLICY... DOVE FARE LEVA

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Ongoing involvement, in turn, might stave off additional childbearing
Note:BENEFICIO SUPPLEMENTARE

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How one might implement this approach is still unknown,
BOH