Arranged Marriage di Robert Epstein
Una cosa sembra certa: si puo’ imparare ad amare.
Detto indiano…
… In Indian culture for example, they say, “First comes marriage, then comes love.”…
L’amore puo’ essere costruito…
… for decades western researchers have been studying processes in which emotional bonds are created. In the laboratory, you can actually get two total strangers to suddenly like each other or even love each other in just a few minutes by putting them through various exercises… We can do A and B all the way up to Z and be very deliberate about building love in our relationships…
Non solo, quando è costruito è anche più solido…
… no one’s ever looked at how love arises in arranged marriages. We do know that when it does arise it might even be more stable than the kind of love that emerges in love marriages….
Il matrimonio d’amore e quello combinato hanno dinamiche differenti…
… In the love marriages, there’s a lot of love at first, but then it weakens over time. In arranged marriages, there’s not that much love at first, but it tends to grow over time, and it surpasses the love in the love marriages about five years out. Ten years out it’s twice as strong…
Nel primo l’amore si dissolve, nel secondo cresce.
***
E’ l’impegno il propellente dell’ amore…
… commitment is a factor that seems most responsible for the growth of love. That has to mean real commitment, not the kind we so often make in our marriages here…
Perché chi coabita prima del matrimonio divorzia più spesso? Perché ha meno senso dell’impegno, è meno coinvolto…
… Real commitment meaning, “I’m really going to be with you through thick and thin, through sickness and in health.”…
L’impegno ci rende più vulnerabili verso l’altro. Ci dà anche un senso di comunità di destino con l’altro. Si tratta di sentimenti che favoriscono la nascita dell’amore…
… the reason commitment is so powerful in creating an emotional bond is because it’s the ultimate expression of vulnerability. When you make a strong commitment to be with someone no matter what, what you’re saying is, “I am entirely vulnerable to you. No matter what is happening, I will be there for you.” And if two people are making that kind of expression of commitment to each other, that brings people very close…
L’amore prima del matrimonio obnubila la scelta. Dopodiché, fallimento chiama fallimento: i secondi matrimoni sono più fragili dei primi, e i terzi più dei secondi…
… Close to 50 percent of first marriages fail. Two thirds of second marriages fail, and almost three-quarters of third marriages fail. Practice doesn’t help us, apparently….
L’amore epidermico acceca, non andare dove ti porta il cuore…
… we’re so blinded with love at first, we really don’t know the person we’re marrying…
Un po’ di programmazione rende tutto più realistico…
… Arranged marriages usually take place in religious environments, with people of the same faith, and they know that they’re going to get married because they want to have children, they expect love to grow in the family context and they’re often not overly fantasizing about what it’s all supposed to look like… they have role models around them… they have the support from that religious community or cultural niche that they’re in…
I divorzi in India…
… [One survey said that] in India, roughly 90 percent of the people were arranged, and the country had one of the lowest divorce rates in the world, even though divorce was legal there…
***
Noi non torneremo mai al matrimonio combinato, non è quello il punto. Il punto è imparare ad amare da chi possiede ancora certe tradizioni ed è quindi costretto a questa arte…
… We didn’t adopt the religion, the culture– we adopted the practices. I think we can learn from successful arranged marriages and adopt the practices…
Spesso l’amore nasce con la progressiva conoscenza dell’altro: noi ci sposiamo che pensiamo di sapere tutto dell’altro. Manca uno stimolante effetto sorpresa. Le nostre sorprese sono solo negative, durante il fidanzamento si mostra solo il meglio di sé, giorno dopo giorno – vista la china - il legame si allenta.
Le donne sono le più esposte nel cadere vittime della fiaba…
… I focused on what I call the “last form of empowerment for women,” because women have made a lot of progress in education and in the work domain, but still are victims to fairytales and fantasies that end up hurting them and their families…
Quanti femminicidi in meno se la famiglia scegliesse lo sposo? E’ una provocazione ma ripassatevi i casi reali e stupite della follia di certe vittime.
Amore e autocontrollo non sono in contrasto, specie quando si tratta di costruire su basi solide…
… We have to use our heads more than we have been using, not just our heart and certainly not just our reproductive organs… We have to be open to the idea that we can take control over what happened, that we can not only be in love but that we can build love, make love stronger over time…
