1 YOU COUNT TOO: A COMMONSENSE GUIDE TO HAPPIER PARENTING
Note:I genitori sono consumatori + soddisfatti (meno rimorsi) dei non genitori ma questi ultimi sono leggermente + feliciLa cura dei bimbi è un lavoro (che preferiamo al vero lavoro)Oggi i genitori sorvegliano e intrattengono molto + che in passato. Ma serve? Più tempo dedicato oggi che nei mitici anni 50 del w la mammaCome semplificare: imparare a dire no e ad accettare i no del bambino (non voglio fare karate)Sonno: metodo feber. Distingue il disturbo dalla normale contrattazioneAttività. Tv e videogiochiVacanze: stayvacationDisciplina: ripensare alla giustificazione. Le 3 CSupervisione: trucchetti (la skenazy è una miniera)Ricoprire i problemi col denaro. Pagare i figli? Medita: i ricchi sono + soddisfatti dei povri della loro attività di genitoriSecondhand stress
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nice people say, “Your lives are going to change,” with a knowing grin.
Note:QUANDO ANNUNCI UN BIMBO IN ARRIVO
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Some evidence suggests that kids make people slightly less satisfied
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slightly less satisfied
Note:DIPENDE DA COME CHIEDO
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PARENTS: HOW ARE THEY DOING?
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Is parenthood good for you? The simple stubborn answer is, “It must be; otherwise people wouldn’t do it.”
Note:SE SOFFRI TE LO SEI VOLUTO
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CUSTOMER SATISFACTION
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you only need to find out whether he bought it.
Note:SODDISFAZIONE...PREFERENZA RIVELATA
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check the customer satisfaction of people like you.
Note:IL MODO MIGLIORE X VALUTARE LA FELICITÀ
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end up with buyer’s remorse?
Note:LA DOMANDA DA FARSI
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buyer’s remorse was awfully rare.
Note:VERDETTO
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91 percent of parents said they would have children all over again. Only 7 percent said they wouldn’t.
Note:91/7
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survey finds that nonbuyer’s remorse is common.
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nonbuyer’s remorse is common.
Note:INVECE
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Over two-thirds of the people without kids confessed regret.
Note:2/3
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Even parents of unplanned children often confess, “I can’t imagine my life without them.” The magic of not having kids, in contrast, is elusive.
Note:ANCHE I NON VOLUTI!!
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OVERALL HAPPINESS
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customer satisfaction isn’t everything. There’s also happiness—how people feel about their lives.
Note:FELICITA' E SODDISFAZIONE
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On the surface, people with kids are indeed happier than those without. On closer look, however, parenthood is slightly depressing.
Note:GLI STUDI PARLANO CHIARO
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The negative effect of kids on happiness is robust but small.
Note:INFELICITA'...MA PICCOLE
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If you’re married with children, you’re far more likely to be happy than if you’re single and childless.
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TUTTO COMPENSATO DALLA FELICITA' DELLA VITA CONIUGALE
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The main hit to parental happiness comes from child number one.
Note:DOPO IL PRIMO I PROBLEMI SFUMANO
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“There are many things in a parent’s life that bring great joy. For example, spending time away from their children.”
Note:SCHERZETTO DI ARTHUR BROOKS PER ESSERE FELICI
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MOMENTARY HAPPINESS
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Can you trust what people say about their overall happiness?
Note:LA SOLITA DOMANDA SULLA FELICITA'
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Instead of asking subjects how they feel overall, they ask them how they spent their day, and how each of their activities made them feel.
Note:IL TRUCCO PIU' COMUNE PER AGGIRARE L'OSTACOLO
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Daniel Kahneman
Note:L'ISPIRATORE
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child care comes in twelfth out of sixteen activities, and easily beats the most time-consuming activity of the day—working.
Note:LA CURA E' MESSA MALE MA TRA LE ATTIVITA' CHE CI IMPEGNANO E' MESSA BENE...PIUTTOSTO CHE LAVORARE
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women enjoy taking care of their children more than working outside the home.
Note:IL MESSAGGIO CENTRALE DI KAHNEMAN... DI SOLITO SI PARLA SOLO DEI BIMBI
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Daniel Gilbert
Note:LA DURA REALTA' DI ESSERE GENITORI
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The not-so-harsh reality is that parents are far better off than nonparents by the standard of customer satisfaction, and only slightly worse off by the standard of personal happiness.
Note:SINTESI
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TOIL AND TROUBLE: A WEEK IN THE LIFE OF TODAY’S TYPICAL PARENT
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Entertaining myself was my job, not hers.
Note:IERI L'IMPEGNO DI DIVERTIRE I PROPRI FIGLI NON ESISTEVA... OGGI SE UN FIGLIO SI ANNOIA CI SI SENTE COLPEVOLI
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modern parents spend an incredible amount of time taking care of their kids.
Note:SEMPRE ADDOSSO...SEMPRE CON LORO
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Since 1965, when the average dad did only three hours of child care per week,
Note:IERI
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Today’s mom spends more time taking care of children than she did in the heyday of the stay-at-home mom.
Note:PARADOSSO
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ten hours a week
Note:1965
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thirteen hours a week.
Note:2000
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One pattern hasn’t changed: Stay-at-home moms spend more time with their kids than working moms. However, both kinds of moms try harder than they used to.
Note:SINTESI
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By the standards of the Sixties, modern dads do enough child care to pass for moms—and
Note:MAMMI...PER GLI STANDARD ANNI SESSANTA
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Kid time has crowded out couple time:
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HOW TO BE A HAPPIER PARENT: A PRIMER
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Modern parenting has turned kids into a heavy burden. But it’s not kids that changed; it’s us!
Note:LA TESI
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(“I’m not your chauffeur”).
Note:MI DICEVA MIO PAPA'
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Why can’t parents learn to say no, or at least learn to take no for an answer?
Note:DIRE NO
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Before you do something for your child, try asking yourself three questions. 1. Do I enjoy it? 2. Does my child enjoy it? 3. Are there any long-run benefits?
Note:LE TRE DOMANDE
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Sleep deprivation is new parents’ leading complaint.
Note:UN DRAMMA
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Normally, though, the root cause of sleeplessness is overparenting.
Note:TESI
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Sleep is a negotiation. We want sleep, while the baby wants attention.
Note:UN PO' DI ECONOMIA
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“systematic ignoring.” It works, but it’s harsh.
Note:LA SOLUZIONE RADICALE
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The Ferber method—let the child cry for a few minutes,
Note:IL METODO
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If you want better than livable, you’ll mandate regular naps until your kids are old enough to quietly entertain themselves for an hour.
Note:PISOLINI DIURNI
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parents who take their own interests into account will retain a daily nap for a year or two more than their child needs.
Note:SE TI PRENDI IN CONSIDERAZIONE SCEGLIERAI PER IL MEGLIO
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ACTIVITIES
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kids’ activities are a time pit for parents.
Note:GLI AUTISTI DEI BIMBI
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Chauffeuring kids
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parents often reluctantly admit that their kids don’t even enjoy their activities.
Note:DIFFICILE AMMETTERLO MA VERO
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A crucial step to happier parenting is to abandon “recreation” enjoyed by neither parent nor child.
Note:FALLO!!!!
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skip a class.
Note:BIGIA
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“What are my kids supposed to do with all their extra free time?”
Note:IL DUBBIO CHE VIENE
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Kids have plenty of wholesome stay-at-home options.
Note:I BIMBI HANNO MOLTE RISORSE
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Electronic babysitters are a vital component of cultural literacy.
Note:NON DEMONIZZIAMO LA TV
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My wife and I don’t let ours watch more than an hour or two a day, because we don’t want them to miss out on the other joys of childhood.
Note:IL GUAIO DELLA TV
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Family vacations are another nightmare for millions of parents. Why pay thousands of dollars for the worst week of your year?
Note:ALTRO DRAMMA
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Fewer days and shorter distances would improve most family vacations,
Note:SOLUZIONE: BREVI E VICINE
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If you insist on family bonding, try a “staycation.”
Note:ANCORA MEGLIO
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enjoy your regional attractions—then
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DISCIPLINE
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Parents have always made excuses for discipline: “This is for your own good.”
Note:PER IL TUO BENE....NO...PER IL TUO CARO PAPÀ
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Benefit to the child is almost the only socially acceptable justification for discipline.
Note:PURTROPPO
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parents use a lot less discipline than they would
Note:ESITO
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I can’t forget the day I saw a father allow his five-year-old daughter to punch and kick him.
Note:PAPÀ PRESI A SBERLE...TERRIBILE
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She knew that different people have different rules—and
Note:IL PROBLEMA NN È IL BENESSERE DELLA BAMBINA...LEI IMPARERÁ PRESTO
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The welfare of the child is one legitimate goal. If your toddler runs into the street, zero tolerance really is for his own good.
Note:PRIMO...IL BENESSERE DEI FIGLI
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to keep the child from abusing the people around him—and no one is more susceptible to a child’s abuse than his own parents.
Note:SECONDA FUNZIONE
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wisdom of the ages: Clarity, Consistency, and Consequences. Adopt firm rules, clearly explain the penalties for breaking the rules, and impose promised penalties to the letter.
Note:COME IMPOSTARE...CCC...CHIAREZZA...COERENZA (NO ECCEZIONI E DOPPI STANDARD...CONSEGUENZE (PUNZIONE IMMEDIATA)
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there is solid experimental evidence in its favor.
Note:TRANQUILLI
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psychologists often respond by training the parents.
Note:QUANDO I GENITORI CHIEDONO AIUTO X DOMARE LE PESTI
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dozens of experiments
Note:PER VEDERE SE FUNZIONA
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You randomly train some,
Note:RTC
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80 percent
Note:DIFFERENZA COL GRUPPO DI CONTROLLO
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The main weakness of the training is parental backsliding:
Note:PURTROPPO
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Kids quickly discover that different people have different rules.
Note:NN PREOCCUPAYEVI SE LA NONNA LI VIZIA
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You can scare kids straight by credibly threatening to take away one night’s TV or one dinner’s dessert.
Note:ORGANIZZARSI CON I CASTIGHI
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Supernanny, Jo Frost, punished monstrous children merely by putting them in the naughty corner—and
Note:I BIMBI RISPONDONO!
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two minutes of mild humiliation was enough
Note:PESR RIPORTARE LA CALMA
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If I can sharply improve my quality of life by mildly punishing my kids, I’ll do so without apology. If cruelty is the price of slightly better behavior, I’m not buying.
Note:PASSA L ANALISI CB
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SUPERVISION
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“Worst Mom in America,” journalist Lenore Skenazy
Note:LA PEGGIORE
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nine-year-old son ride the New York City subway by himself.
Note:LA SUA COLPA
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had a safe trip, enjoyed a taste of independence, and made it home in about an hour.
Note:NONOSYANTE QUESTO PASSÒ DEI GUAI
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children can handle—and would enjoy—a lot more independence than modern parents allow.
Note:LA TESI DEL SUO LIBRO
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More independent kids equal less parental supervision.
Note:AI NS FINI
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gate off a small danger zone, then child-proof the rest of your home
Note:CON I PICCOLI
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Let them use public restrooms on their own, stay home alone while you go to the store,
Note:CON I PIÙ GRANDI
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Driving your third-grader to the store is vastly more dangerous than leaving him home without a bodyguard.
Note:ATTENTI...
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Volunteer to watch the kids who are waiting with your own kid for soccer to start or school to open—whatever.
Note:ALTRO ESEMPIO
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Think of one activity you did as a child that you are unwilling to let your own sweetheart
Note:FARNE UN PENSIERO FISSO
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Policing kids’ books, shows, movies, and games
Note:ALTRA XDITA DI TEMPO
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Violent movies rarely scare kids if the good guys win.)
Note:CHE SIA CHIARO
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IN PRAISE OF THROWING MONEY AT YOUR PROBLEMS
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I spent four hours at my in-laws’ house struggling to change our Volkswagen’s oil.
Note:QUANDO MI CREDEVO UN MECCANICO
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it never crossed my mind to take $20 out of the gift box and
Note:MANNAGGIA
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a failure of common sense.
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Money can buy happiness if you spend it the right way.
Note:RICORDA
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outsourcing your worst hours of child care can make your whole day.
Note:SE SEI STANCO STRESSATO
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don’t need a lot of money to escape a lot of misery.
Note:DI SOLITO
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last hours of child care are the hardest.
Note:LE PIÙ DURE
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18 million households with the income to hire a lot of help—up
Note:REDDITI A SEI CIFRE IN USA
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a part-time nanny will probably do more for your quality of life than a new car.
Note:BABY SITTER
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Spend freely on take-out meals, electronic babysitters, and cleaning services;
Note:SFRUTTA
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When you want your kids’ help, nag them less and reward them more.
Note:MENO TORMENTI PIÙ COMPENSI
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a penny for every ten weeds I pulled.
Note:QUANDO ERO PICCOLO
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Don’t pay your children for every little thing.
Note:PROGETTI AD AMPIO RESPIRO
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“If you eat your dinner without complaining, you get dessert,”
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ES UNO
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“You can watch TV after you clean up your toys,”
Note:ES DUE
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If generous terms fall on deaf ears, you’re probably giving your kids too much
Note:CON UNA PAGHETTA DA 50…DIVENTA INSENSIBILE
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only 4 percent of the richest parents regretted having children—compared to 13 percent of the poorest.
Note:GIÀ ORA FUNZIONA
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“Don’t have kids until you are financially secure.”
Note:PER ALCUNI
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Rich parents successfully use money to make parenting easier—and
Note:PER ME
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PROTECTING YOUR KIDS FROM SECONDHAND STRESS
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“If mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
Note:SACROSANTO
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Beware of sacrifices for the good of the family.
Note:COROLLARIO
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On balance, your kids might be happier if you said no.
Note:PARADOSSO
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By the same logic, your child might be happier if you saw more movies alone on your way home from work.
Note:ESEMPIO
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the dangers of secondhand smoke.
Note:ANALOGIA
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secondhand stress.
Note:STRESS PASSIVO
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Secondhand stress is one of kids’ leading grievances.
Note:PURTROPPO
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Ellen Galinsky interviewed over 1,000 kids
Note:INDAGINE CHE CONFERMA
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More than 40 percent of kids gave their moms and dads a C, D, or F for “controlling his/her temper when I do something that makes him/her angry”—the
Note:GENITORI CHE XDONO LE STAFFE
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FROM HAPPIER PARENTS TO BIGGER FAMILIES
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Parents put an enormous amount of time and money into their children, and in terms of happiness, they almost break even.
Note:LA PIAGA
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response is not to give up but to rethink your strategy.
Note:RIMEDIO
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“The first kid takes 99 percent of your free time; the second kid takes the remaining 1 percent.”
Note:UNA BARZELLETTA CON CONSEG
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How can the second child be so much less work than the first?
Note:PERCHÈ COSÌ A BUON PREZZO?
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much of their toil was superfluous.
Note:I GENITORI LO SCOPRONO SE COSTRETTI
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Once you adjust the kind of parent you plan to be, you should also reconsider the number of kids you want to have.
Note:UNA VOLTA SCOPERTO IL SEGRETO DELLA FELICITÀ
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you buy your kids at a hefty effort discount. Why not stock up?
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In the future, your children will pay the price for your lackadaisical attitude.
Note:L OBIEZIONE
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eighteen years of shortcuts turn your son into an unemployed dropout who spends his days playing video games in your basement,
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DESTINO
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The best available evidence shows that large differences in upbringing have little effect on how kids turn out. While healthy, smart, happy, successful, virtuous parents tend to have matching offspring, the reason is largely nature, not nurture.
Note:RISPOSTA
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the nature-nurture question is excellent. Twin and adoption studies aren’t quite as good as controlled laboratory experiments, but many are close.
AGGIUNGO
